All the Desperate Things I've Done to Score Taylor Swift Tickets

Hell hath no fury like a Taylor Swift fan who didn’t manage to get tickets to The Eras Tour. On Tuesday, Ticketmaster opened its “Verified Fan” pre-sale for Taylor Swift’s first tour in five years. They were apparently anticipating 1.5 million takers, and instead, 14 million (!!) showed up in hopes of scream-singing the new verses of All Too Well. Chaos and heartbreak ensued. Barely 48 hours later, the ticket sales conglomerate (read: monopoly) announced they were canceling general ticket sales, which were slated to open Friday. “Due to extraordinarily high demands on ticketing systems and insufficient remaining ticket inventory to meet that demand,” Ticketmaster tweeted Thursday afternoon, “tomorrow’s public on-sale for Taylor Swift | The Eras Tour has been cancelled.”

If nothing else, at least Ticketmaster has given us all the perfect way to cancel any and all future plans. (Due to extraordinarily high demands and insufficient inventory, I will be required to stay in tonight.) Taylor herself has now addressed the whole debacle on her Instagram stories.

So, how has anyone actually managed to get tickets to Taylor Swift’s tour? Here, a list of things Swifties, myself or otherwise, may or may not have done while trying to secure their seats.

Called In Sick to Any and All Obligations

Sorry, the old Swifite can’t come to the work phone right now. Why? Because she’s trying to hold her place in the 2000+ person ticket line. Productivity among women aged 18-29 dropped 80 percent this week, according to leading economic indicators (e.g., my Slack).

Put Their Education on the Backburner

Patience is a virtue, but patience doesn’t hold your place in the queue. Some students took to e-mailing teachers, pleading for them to watch their spot in the virtual line when they had to attend another class. Other students left their laptops open while dissecting cadavers. Oh, you love Taylor Swift? Name three dead bodies you’ve dissected while waiting in line for her tickets?

Learned Coding

Since many were given a vague estimate of their wait time—“2000+ people are ahead of you”—people on TikTok were teaching each other light coding in order to figure out their actual place in line. This is what “Glitch” is actually about. Unfortunately, that did mean people realized there were more than 13,000 fans ahead of them in line.

Learned Cloning

One surefire way to score tickets to any concert? Clone yourself! Have your clones get on their own laptops and see which clone gets the best place in the virtual line. Tip: make sure there are only six total versions of you since that’s the max number of tickets you can buy at one time.

Opened a Government Inquiry into Ticketmaster

Ticketmaster is currently facing multiple government inquiries related to consumer protection after the pre-sale snafu. Karma is a state attorney general who’s thirsty for that Gen Z vote.

Partnered with AOC to Break Up Monopolies

The congresswoman said this happened because Ticketmaster merged with LiveNation in 2010, allowing the uber-company to corner the market on concert sales. I’ve just had an Epiphany. It’s Time to Go and do some Vigilante Shit lest this monopoly last for Evermore. AP Macroeconomics (Taylor’s Version)!

Searched for Easter Eggs

Did you know the word “Ticketmaster” has 12 characters in it, but if you add Taylor Swift’s signature cry-laughing cat emoji to the end of it, that makes 13? Coincidence? Have I been staring at my screen too long? Is this a cry for help?

Sold My Clones’ Organs

With Taylor Swift tickets being resold for prices as high as $20,000, you have no option but to harvest your clones’ organs. It’s okay! They’ll understand!

Called Taylor Swift Herself

What would happen if you just…called Taylor up? Something to consider next time you’re trying to buy tickets!

Accepted Defeat

Maybe the real Taylor Swift concert is the collective enemies and clones we made along the way ๐Ÿ™‚

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